Self criticism - The opposite of self compassion
I wanted to share something that has been on my mind lately—self-compassion.
Do you ever find yourself being your own worst critic? Most of us are hard on ourselves, especially if we make a genuine mistake or feel we “don’t match” up in our achievements, appearance, body, career, relationships, etc. We find it hard or sometimes impossible to treat or speak to ourselves in a kind and caring way. But why?
Self criticism - The opposite of self compassion
For most people, being compassionate towards themselves doesn’t come naturally, but self-criticism does. Self-criticism is a thinking style that involves our internal self-talk being highly negative and berating. It can trigger our threat system which leads to emotional responses like anxiety, anger or depression. These emotions are designed to motivate & protect us through confronting, defeating, shying away or shutting down and generating behavioural responses such as aggression, avoidance or being passive (essential if we were faced with a real life threat)
Self-criticism often involves the following unhelpful thinking styles:
Labelling: making statements about ourselves on the basis of our behaviour in a specific situation
Shoulding: using "should" statements to put unreasonable demands or pressure on ourselves
Overgeneralization: taking one negative instance and concluding that this applies to everything
Believing that self criticism is beneficial can create a barrier to giving up self criticism and embracing self compassion, because why would you give up something that you thought was helpful?
One way of challenging these beliefs, is to evaluate the evidence for and against and assess whether self criticism is really helping you…..
What makes you think self-criticism is helpful?
Is the evidence for your beliefs good/solid/reliable?
Is there another way the evidence for your beliefs could be viewed?
What is the aim of your self-criticism? Does self-criticism really achieve this aim?
Can you achieve your aims without self-criticism? (i.e., instead encouraging yourself or taking action)
What are the negative consequences of being self-critical? How is self-criticism damaging to you? How do these things fit with the idea that it is helpful?
If being critical is so helpful, would you use it as a way of dealing with a friend or child who was struggling with something? If not, why not?
In addition to positive beliefs about self criticism, we may hold negative beliefs about self compassion. Some people may view it as weak or fear they will become lazy, self indulgent, self absorbed or undisciplined. Maybe you hold similar beliefs?
If that is you I encourage you to keep reading.
What is self compassion?
Self-compassion is the practice of treating yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and care that you would offer to a good friend, especially in times of difficulty or failure. It involves being mindful of your emotions, acknowledging your suffering without judgment, and offering yourself comfort and kindness rather than criticism.
There are four key things when it comes to self compassion:
Awareness that some sort of “suffering is happening” this might be struggle with emotional. mental or physical pain. Normalising & recognising that pain is something that all humans experience at some points in varying degrees. Kindness & not ignoring or pushing away the pain, but meeting the pain with feelings of warm and kindness. Tolerance & cultivating the skills to sit through the pain.
A helpful way to address any misconceptions you have about self compassion is to think of people that you consider to be compassionate human beings and the qualities that make you conclude that they are compassionate.
How do these qualities fit with the negative qualities mentioned earlier like laziness, self-indulgence, self-absorption, undisciplined, lack of control, weakness, self-pitying, and under-achievement?
DO YOU NEED MORE SELF COMPASSION?
Take a moment to reflect and tick the statements that resonate with you. The more you tick, the more likely it is that you're being self-critical and could benefit from some self compassion training.
You might find yourself getting frustrated or upset or angry with yourself, so try to gently remind yourself that it's understandable—your brain is simply trying to problem-solve but might be keeping you stuck.
I find it hard to be kind to myself
If something goes wrong I automatically blame myself
I don’t deserve to do or get nice things
I am critical of myself when things aren’t going well
I am critical of myself even when things are going well. I could always do better
When I am having a hard time, I wouldn’t thinking to treat myself like I would a friend
I focus a lot on my faults and flaws and can’t seem to let them go
If I make a mistake I give myself a hard time
I can’t accept mistakes I have made or done
I think over and over about things I don’t like about myself
If I make a mistake I feel I should be punished
I feel like I am the only one who struggles or fails.
If you're ready to embrace a more compassionate way of relating to yourself, let’s talk!
Do you struggle to treat yourself with kindness and compassion? You are not alone. Cultivating self compassion is an important part of finding peace with your body, AND I can help you.
Just follow these simple steps:
Meet with me weekly
Learn the skills